The Do’s and Don’ts of Calling an Election.
AMAZING UK ELECTION NEWS! I’ve been leaked a letter from a freelance Conservative election strategist Richard Huntington-Smythe, to Rishi Sunak, dated 20/05/24... 2 days before Rishi called it...
Dear Rishi
I hope this gets to you in time, I’m traditional, so I’ve sent this via royal mail... And if it’s one thing we know about that great institution they’re good at delivering. Ask those dodgy sub-post masters eh?! Also, I didn’t want it leaking from HMS Collander over there!
Rishi old chap! I hear you are about to call an election? Good. Stuff. Let’s show those commie bastards in the Labour party and the Libtard Remoaners a thing or two! But… before you rush off and announce… We need to get all our ducks in a row (not least because I haven’t had time to nip to the bookies yet! 😉) Because the last thing we’d want to do is call an election that we’re woefully unprepared for, with nothing new to offer the people, from a position of weakness where they all hate us, that could be a disaster!
So… for this upcoming campaign… here’s some Do’s and Don’ts you might need to think about before rushing in and announcing it! If you follow these to the letter… I can assure you, that you will win a crushing victory and we can all share in the benefits of another glorious 5 years of conservative rule!
(Payment by the usual Government contract for “PPE” yeah? 🤣)
Do
Get the Election Date announcement right. You only get one shot at this, don’t mess it up! You have to look PRESIDENTIAL… POWERFUL… a man in control of his destiny… You have to look absolutely nothing like the weird short kid at school who the bigger boys used to put in a bin and roll down the hill.. Think roaring Lion, not drowned puppy in a sack... So whatever you do.. wait for a nice sunny, clear day, and do the announcement far away from any protestors who might shout nasty things about your wife’s lack of tax, or play Labour’s irritatingly successful anthem to drown out your speech…
Don’t
Look out of touch. The people want someone relatable right? They need to feel that you are on their side, that you understand their troubles. I know that, in reality, you kick off if your bed sheets aren’t a-thousand-thread finest Egyptian cotton, hand stitched by blind Italian orphans and laced with gold… and you wipe your arse with actual 100 dollar bills… but you have to find some humility… Find the thing that makes them feel sorry for you. What is the thing that you went without when you were a kid? Whatever you pick, make it absolutely the experience of your average northern family in the 80s… so I dunno… Vegetables? A job? (Ha ha.. little Thatcher joke there for you) But seriously, absolutely DO NOT pick something ridiculous like “a Bentley”, or “Sky TV”. Don’t pick something that only the sort-of well off had (elitist), or that the super-rich wouldn’t put on their house because it made their estate look common (The donor’s will think you’re an oik…. After all you went to Winchester, not Eton old boy….)
Do
Bet that the electorate will buy any hokey shit that you can create... They love a narrative that the Labour party are going to ban this, nationalise that… so… Off the top of my head…How about claiming Labour will tax dunking hobnob’s in your tea…? Or that they will ban cheering when someone drops a glass in a pub? Threaten that they will nationalise Richard Osman! (He is the only thing in this economy making any money after all)
Don’t
Let it get out that we all like a flutter. I know, that you know, that we’re all going to make a bob or two on this election…. After all, it wouldn’t be the Conservative party if we didn’t use our insider knowledge to make some money! That’s just business eh Rish?! But I grant you, though there’s absolutely nothing wrong in getting your wife’s cleaner to nip down the bookies to place a bet for you, on an outcome that only you and your inner circle can literally fix… it looks baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad….
Do
Attack, attack, attack! – You are a football fan, yes? It’s time to let go of your inner Southgate! Now is not the time to 0-0 ourselves to glory… Forget anything you said before about Work/life balance! Hammer Sir Kier for actually wanting his children to recognise him. Forget that you built your reputation on brilliant maths schemes like Eat Out To Help Out (Half Price Meals + Covid running rife = Less old people alive to pay for) and make up some absolute baloney about Labour’s tax bombshell… None of their voters will understand the simple figures you use anyway! They’ve all got arts degrees!!
Don’t
Do something stupid – It’s imperative that you remain gaffe free… I’ve sent central command a list of the kind of visual metaphor’s you should avoid… DO NOT… pose in front of the titanic factory in Belfast (See the file - Sinking ship: Rats leaving a…) Visit any place that ferment’s alcohol (See – Brewery: Couldn’t organise a piss up in a…) or go out on a really windy day (See Hurricane’s: About as much use as a fart in a….)
Do
Take ANY opportunity to be “Statesman-like” – There are a few opportunities to bring out the big guns, unless Putin invades somewhere else… and even then BoJo will be in a tank for a photo op quicker than you can say “Leave the Air Hostess alone, Boris…” SO, whatever opportunity presents itself to say “I’m blimming well the Prime Minister!” you should take. Now… we all know D-Day is coming up… That’s a full toss to despatch straight to the boundary (sorry, I know you prefer American things.. errrr… that’s a home run, a slam dunk…) the only way a day like that could go against us, is if you did something really stupid like call a veteran “a cock”, or leave the celebrations early to go home and do an interview with ITV news 😂
Don’t
Let “He who shall not be named” into the race. Look F***ge is the non-thinking man’s pin up. With his toad like mouth wrapped around a pint of Old Sheepdog, in some god-forsaken seaside hole we abandoned to 24 hour arcades and smack years ago.. he can really let loose and steal our core “arsehole” vote. We cannot split the gammon vote, the vote of people who think they grew up in some sort of Enid Blyton Famous Five book, despite the fact that they would struggle to find three friends, were literally banned from keeping dogs by the courts, and can’t read...
Work out several policies that are designed to keep the crazies out of F***ge’s clutches… Our key demographic groups are…
Climate Change deniers
Believers in conspiracy theories, up to and including those plain weird ones who believe the Democrats are a “satanic paedophile cult.”
People who don’t believe in using sun cream, no matter how hot it is in Benidorm…
Daily Mail readers.
KEEP THEM ONSIDE AND WE’LL WIN! I’m just spit-balling here but… trail some policies that will be awful to some of the most wretched, destitute members of society! Slash some more In-work benefits! Close those borders! If you don’t do it… Suella or Priti are poised, ready to knife you in the back (and promise to cut the benefits of some scrounging single parent nurses who needs the money for something ridiculous like, feeding their kids) So offer them some red meat, or you’ll become the red meat that Nigel feasts upon… and from the look of him, we know that he takes his steak extremely well done.
Do
Look like the reasonable one – With Kier Starmer droning on in his weird, repetitive, Dalek-like voice about how his Dad was a “toolmaker” there is an open goal to look like a human. Target the debates. Let him waffle on as his woke robot brain malfunctions, then calmly make your argument for pulling us out of any court that would dare to impose actual human rights on the people of this country… Absolutely DO NOT get really tetchy, interrupt him, talk all over him, repeating inane slogans or our dodgy figures, like a spoilt braying teenager demanding a new pair of Air Jordan’s from Mummy… It is not a good look and will make the audience think you see yourself as entitled, bossy, and superior (And we really can’t have that getting out!)
Don’t
Look like a divorced dad suffering the mother of all mid life crises… that’s Ed Davey’s job… let him do all the bungee jumping and falling off of Windsurfing boards. You concentrate on what you can do.. like burning £billions in PPE, and ignoring that you were once seen as less electable than a lettuce.
Do
Attract the best in donor money – The captains of industry have all gone to the dark side, so we’ve just got the Brexity ones left… That one who runs the modern-day cock fighting pits (Wetherspoons) and the vacuum guy. Frank Hester’s good for a laugh too – but don’t let him do any public speaking.. last time he came to the Conservative White tie ball he got really drunk and was last seen hurling abuse because of the colour of the London Cab that was going to take him home…
Don’t
Give any donor money back. Whatever they might say or do. You know the score…
Having Opinions and Giving money to the labour Party = Lefty Activist, opinion not valid.
Having the opinion that seeing a Black female MP on TV makes you “want to hate all Black women” + Giving Money to the Conservatives = Perfectly fine. Not dodgy at all. Nothing to see here.
Do
Have your excuses already lined up if it doesn’t go our way… Maybe Labour fixed the vote? Maybe the electorate didn’t understand that the Downing Street staff needed a party when everyone else was locked down? Maybe, Dilys the dog did really eat your homework? Or Boris did… he was prone to take things that weren’t his... Like food from the fridge… or other men’s girlfriend’s…
Don’t
Book your flight to San Francisco for the 5th July. Even if the worst happens, and this tired, shambles of a government, gets flung into the sewage infested sea that you’re not remotely bothered about tackling… You can’t just head straight to Silicon Valley. We’ll need you to preside over the smoking wreckage and find someone, anyone, who is more electable, likeable and reasonable than the current offering… like Andrew Tate… or Dracula.
So there you go.. there’s my thoughts! I hope you consider them deeply and get everything in place before you press go. Wouldn’t want you to go too early now and run a shitstorm of a campaign would we?????