The Traitors blog – Episode 11
Just a short one today to whet your appetite for the series finale!
We are so back baby – straight into the scheming machinations of Charlotte’s (Church), the most evil, fake-Welsh villain since Henry Tudor (Now that is a complex gag for you to unpick.) Behind her sing song accent and pleasant demeanour lies an absolutely evil, scheming, supervillain! Much like the real Charlotte Church. (I actually have nothing to back that up with – I’m sure she’s lovely, but I’m really running out of Welsh Villains, fast!)
Anyway – her devious plan to finger Freddie (stop sniggering at the back!) as the traitor relies on one thing. Leanne to unquestioningly believe that the only possible interpretation of her attempted murder, is that it had to be one of the people who didn’t know she had a shield, Freddie, or Alexander... And you have to get up pretty early in the morning to get one past Lea… Oh... She’s fallen for it straight away has she??! Righto…
Yes, Combat Barbie bought the Charlotte scheme - hook, line, and sinker (And rod. And net. And entire boring man who goes fishing instead of maintaining an actual loving relationship with his wife and children) BUT DON’T WORRY! Freddie is on the case! Though taken aback by the sheer cunning of Charlotte, he quickly regained his composure and said that Minah told him. GENIUS. That in no way will come back to haunt you, Freddie. That’s if you make it to this evening, there’s still a whole task to navigate, after the ever calm Leanne served you breakfast accompanied by the mild threat of physical harm. Honestly, her depths of anger and indignation makes Begbie from Trainspotting look like Bungle from Rainbow…
Anyway – with a light breakfast of awkwardness to fill the contestants churning bellies, It’s on with the task. There’s a big prize at stake, with the contestant who wins the most money, getting to know whether one of the other players is a Faithful or Traitor.
The tasks themselves were a walk through the best memories of the series, and were in no way an excuse to rehash/re-use props/costumes they already had, because someone spunked thousands on a remote-controlled Traitor (see yesterday’s blog/Episode). The clowns are back! (and no – I’m not talking about the contestants booted out so far) to play a fiendish memory game – which Jake ABSOLUTELY nails how to bypass. Contestants 1 Producers 0, and buckets of cash banked.
Next, they moved on to a game where all they have to do to get showered in a load of free money is pull on a cord– which legally I have to point out was in NO WAY what Donald Trump said to Melania when they first got together.
The team did well, though some pulled the cord one too many times, and were left sore (which honestly, you can get a cream to soothe you, if you do that…. I’ve heard) some managed to keep pulling the cord until they were rewarded with up to £700! (Honestly – just get an OnlyFans – it’s way more lucrative.)
With the final task on the line, it was basically Leanne vs Frankie for the title of most cash banked. But, what’s this? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No... It’s Alexander, speeding like Superman through the clearing to collect coins for Frankie. Claudia’s love for the diplomat exploded, as he stampeded like a stallion (or pony, as Claudia said – which is much funnier than anything I can come up with – so Claudia 1 Bitter Internet blogger 0.) Alexander helped swing the contest Frankie’s way, and for the first time, she was to be put in a position of power/knowing what the hell is going on….
Before those shenanigans played out, we had the calmest round table of the series. Largely helped by the fact that absolutely everyone knew that Freddie was a traitor… Even Frankie knew! Mind you… Freddie’s case may have been strengthened if he’d worked out that, at the exact moment he claimed Minah was revealing Leanne’s shield to him, she was actually several miles away trashing a hotel room and screaming “CHARLOTTE!!! YOU ABSOLUTE CU…”
So, he was gone, in a clean sweep of votes, and I do feel sorry for him… he had no choice really, and though he talked the talk of being able to tell a tale as good as Charlotte, in the end, if Charlotte’s stories are The Complete Works of Shakespeare, he was struggling to recite Spot Goes Woof…
All that was left was the moment we’d all been waiting for, who was Frankie going to select? She was removed to the secret room where presumably, Claudia stashes her “empty’s” (I mean, 3 weeks? In a castle? In Scotland? With this lot? Who wouldn’t hit the bottle!) where she would be joined by drumroll…………… CHARLOTTE! Let the lying commence!
Thoughts/Predictions
- Nice of the production team to give Alexander a doll that sounded like his singing voice.
- It’s the final, and it’s basically Charlotte’s word vs Frankie’s. I see that as Frankie + Alexander vs Charlotte + Jake… with the ever-fickle Leanne as the deciding vote….
- Of course, TBH - If you weren’t either Frankie and Charlotte – you’d get rid of both of them to be on the safe side…
- I still think Alexander might be coming home with (some of) the money – a victory for diplomacy (and ponies) everywhere!